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Simone de Beauvoir’s thoughts on Authentic Love and how they shaped the world we know today...10/15/2019 In a world where connection with one another is increasingly distant and fraught with all kinds of technological interference, the meaning and purpose of love in an era of isolation is becoming one of the critical philosophical questions of our time. From apps like Tinder to Match.com what are we searching for? Are we searching for love or are we searching for meaning or are we just searching for pleasure? It is in these moments that the thoughts of Simone de Beauvoir have application and more so now than ever before. The atomistic and individual drive of modern society is still underpinned by a deep longing for abiding and ephemeral love or the idea that your link with another is perhaps predicated upon more than a social media relationship or through a brief fling provided by an app. In this article, we will examine the thoughts of Simone de Beauvoir and her concept of love and how this can influence individuals in a positive way today. We will pay particular attention to the concept of “authentic love” and what that means in her configuration of the world. This concept is of particular importance given the framing we introduced earlier. Even though modern technology facilitates these brief, superficial interactions, there is still a longing for a premium attached to authenticity. Exploring what this means with regard to love will help illuminate Simone de Beauvoir’s philosophy and its implications for the modern world. Born in January 1908 in Paris, Simone de Beauvoir comes from a deeply religious and staunchly middle-class background, gaining much of her foundational life experiences during World War I and the subsequent collapse of the world economy that followed that. Considered a genius as a child, Simone de Beauvoir studied math at the Institut Catholique de Paris and literature and language at the Institut Sainte-Marie, giving her a substantial education in the arts as well as the sciences. She completed a degree in philosophy at the Sorbonne in 1928. Published her first work of philosophy in 1944, Pyrrhus et Cinéas, Beauvoir addresses some of the various problems that previous philosophers have encountered when trying to reconcile the issues attached to existence. She is primarily concerned with the concept of an absolute sense of freedom contrasted with the limitations necessarily placed upon one’s freedom by the circumstances in which a person finds oneself. Here we find the beginnings of Beauvoir’s interrogation of love in the modern sense and what it means given the constraints of expectation and circumstance with the absolute baseline provided by freedom. As Skye C. Cleary makes evident in The Oxford Handbook of Philosophy of Love, love is further bifurcated in a philosophical sense by the constraints of circumstance placed upon an individual because of one’s biological gender. Particularly concerned with constraints on the female gender, Beauvoir noted that a woman’s ability to experience freedom, and thus authentic love, was severely impacted by social constraints and environmental expectations that called into question the experience of love held by many women of her time. In essence, if love is not freely chosen and given, is it authentic? There is an element of choice here but there is also a hefty amount of fated circumstances and need for social modification. After all, without the freedom to choose in the most authentic fashion, love is limited in both biological genders because it is also seen as something that, by necessity, requires being in concert with another’s feelings. Simone de Beauvoir seems to be intrigued by the idea that, unless both parties are freely exercising agency in their pursuit of love, then there is a question as to whether either party is experiencing authentic love or some kind of other, degenerate form of detachment (that being, a form lesser than the purer notion which itself is drawn from a universal concept). Specifically, Beauvoir postulates that lesbian relationships are one avenue wherein authentic, true love can be experienced. A non-traditional form of a relationship then (though much more common now), Beauvoir looked at lesbian relationships between women through a dual lens of freedom and constraint, noting that the constraints of society, while real, seemed to disappear in the authentic love between lesbian women that is devoid of the patriarchal trappings of relationships between men and women in a traditional framework. Lesbian love was a symbol of freedom and love! These are two major concepts that are important. They directly tie into exploring sadism and masochism which Beauvoir believed were ultimate forms of vulnerability within the context of mutual consent. Beauvoir specifically discusses how there is a leveling effect imposed by authentic love that makes lesbian relationships removed from political concepts (oppression) and supplants with something born of choice in spite of circumstances. Beauvoir is attempting to demonstrate that freedom in sexual expression is an intimate experience translating into a shared experience for mutual pleasure--not for domination. She explains this best through exploring virginity which she explicitly states is owned by the woman and that sexual desire is normal for a woman including her want to experience all sorts of pleasures / explore her sexuality. Virginity is not something to be taken, expected, or defiled. It is not property. It is meant to be freely given because the woman wants to experience it with a partner there should be no societal expectations. She is attempting to show how detrimental politics and societal stigma can be on a woman who is expected to keep her virginity, suppress her sexual desires, and submit fully to a man. Obviously, you can see how this can influence individual growth and separate a person (especially, a woman) from authenticity. Essentially she is trying to say that suppression of sexual desires translates into societal issues and that if we embrace our sexual nature that we will, inevitably, have an increase of authenticity. Here, the concept of authentic love makes its most clear delineation as something that is freely chosen despite all constraints to the contrary. Because progress is progress. But, unless we think Beauvoir is totally permissive (and, thus, somewhat naive), she recognizes that her non-systematic approach - or, an approach that rejects impositions drawn from tradition, law, convention, or some other construct - is a practical way to experiencing love in its most authentic form. It is not meant as a prescription for anything and everything that can be conceived of within the terms of breaking social taboos while making free choices is not always inherently a good or bad thing. Her approach eschews artifice while embracing choice and freedom in a pragmatic fashion that is fulfilling to all individuals. Though Beauvoir appealed to women directly her message is clear that it utility for all people. Given this, what does Beauvoir have to say to us in the modern context? Well, there are some problems we have to address at the start. First, Beauvoir’s view of males and females in such binary terms does present a minor challenge to our modern understanding of the differences between the sexes. Automatically, Beauvoir takes the stance that one sex is more oppressive than the other, but she hints that another one is more manipulative than the other in the pursuit of balance. These differences, to some degree, have ameliorated greatly and interpreting everything through this lens presents some problems for analysis--though not impossible-- of what authentic love is and how to achieve it in the modern context. First, Beauvoir often discovered, upon examination, that much of the world was filled with examples of fake or inauthentic love. Given how strict social conventions were, especially for the female gender, this is not terribly surprising. Nonetheless, when we remove those issues, we find that the core of Beauvoir’s formulation spirals around a concept of freedom and the choices that emanate from that core. We could perhaps argue that people are freer now than ever before (in some societies) and that, if taken at face value, perhaps gives us some hope that Beauvoir would find more examples of authentic love in the world today. Remember Beauvoir lived in the time where men and women had clearer duties that were able to be labeled by society. These duties were expected and included women clean / cook and men work / provide. The more the economy changed and the more women took a primary role in society the more those nuclear families dissolved and the rise of non-traditional families began. Women working, running for office, and becoming the bread winner would have been seen as a pipe dream. However, we cannot forget her second element of authentic love and one that is often forgotten in the pyramid of freedom, context, and choice - and that is mutuality of affection or respect as she calls it. This is harder to gauge and judge as her delineation of mutual respect is couched within terms of the lesbian relationship which, as we said, is not as non-traditional today as it was then. Does this mean if a man and a woman choose one another freely and with mutual respect that their love comes close to what Beauvoir formulated or is the assumption of the oppressor still present? Again, it is unclear in exact configurations but the central concept of authenticity, and how it is constructed, probably makes more sense today than back then. Want of authenticity does not pay: each blames the other for the unhappiness he or she has incurred in yielding to the temptations of the easy way; what man and woman loathe in each other is the shattering frustration of each one's own bad faith and baseness." ~Simone de Beauvoir
Still, what this means is that putting her ideas under strict analysis is difficult, but that when you pull back the lens you can see the overall changes that have occurred. You can see the “bigger” picture. Her philosophy was designed to affect the majority. It is easier to act upon this concept than to actually analyze it. There is some proof that even Beauvoir herself did not live up to the ideals of authentic love she espoused. Her love with Sartre, a famous existential philosopher, was certainly not traditional. They never married and did not share the same living quarters. They even had an open relationship. It almost seems her insistence and focus on this concept of authentic love was because she herself felt oppressed to some degree in her own relationship. Sartre told her, “What we have is an essential love; but it is a good idea for us also to experience contingent love affairs.” I cannot help but wonder if she was truly happy… It is obvious that she was in love with Sartre as her personal notes explore, however, I see a lot of pain in her work. I see a woman who is strong, bold, courageous, but something in her writings give me the impression that she was "missing" something... She really hammered on reciprocal love to explain the general outlines of what she meant as an important and inherent concept of authenticity. What is remarkable is that this is actually in line with modern concepts of love and “true” or “real” love. To emancipate woman is to refuse to confine her to the relations she bears to man, not to deny them to her; let her have her independent existence and she will continue none the less to exist for him also: mutually recognizing each other as subject, each will yet remain for the other an other. The reciprocity of their relations will not do away with the miracles — desire, possession, love, dream, adventure — worked by the division of human beings into two separate categories; and the words that move us — giving, conquering, uniting — will not lose their meaning. On the contrary, when we abolish the slavery of half of humanity, together with the whole system of hypocrisy that it implies, then the 'division' of humanity will reveal its genuine significance and the human couple will find its true form." ~Simone de Beauvoir The idea that two people enter into a relationship predicated upon mutual respect and affection is central to modern configurations and understandings of the dynamics when two people are in love. It might seem strange that Beauvoir spent so much energy on the idea of authentic love and reciprocal love as being premised upon freedom of choice and equality when that is the basic foundation for many relationships now. But doesn’t that tell us so much about what authentic love is or intended to be: A partnership of equals who choose one another without constraint or fear and move forward in a way that is mutually fulfilling. While not the most radical concept now, considering when Simone de Beauvoir made this argument, there’s little doubt that she was a pioneering thought leader indeed. Through examining Simone de Beauvoir we can see her impact on society. Literally, you cannot look anywhere today without seeing her influence in some capacity. She speaks to women still to this day to continue to promote progress and to embrace our nurturing attitudes to unveil a kinder world. In fact, this is a testament to how values and ways of thinking change over the course of a generation. It is hard for me to imagine that less than 100 years ago civil rights was still being argued about. Now it is something that is a law of the land. Simone influenced numerous institutions with her thoughts and helped to create the world that we see today. She was a voice of progress during a time of chaos. I am reminded of the words of Jacques Derrida, an existential French literary philosopher, and what he discussed when he was asked what authentic “love” was and I believe it resonates beautifully with what Beauvoir was trying to convey. But before we get to that let us remember that her “authentic” views on love were politically important, especially because she freely discussed lesbianism with authority and grace. Her writing message can seem fragmented at times, because she was writing for both a political audience and an individual (female oriented) audience. Her views influenced women to the core and helped to continue the feminist movements and to ignite that spark within women to explore themselves. To take the RISK to explore themselves and to authentically love themselves. Her writings also influenced men to seriously ask themselves what the true motives are and to consider their duties / roles in the family and in society. Men are also forced to ask themselves do "I truly love this person?" Beauvoir assisted in the evolution of love and marriage from a system of property to a system of genuine love and affection. This is perhaps one of her greatest indirect accomplishments (along with many others). To conclude, I cannot help but to wonder what she would think of the world today. Personally, I believe that she would only see the progress that we have made and see further opportunity toward progress of deeper understanding of what it means to be truly authentic in an inauthentic society. “The difference between the who and the what at the heart of love, separates the heart. It is often said that love is the movement of the heart. Does my heart move because I love someone who is an absolute singularity, or because I love the way that someone is? Often love starts with some type of seduction. One is attracted because the other is like this or like that. Inversely, love is disappointed and dies when one comes to realize the other person doesn’t merit our love. The other person isn’t like this or that. So at the death of love, it appears that one stops loving another not because of who they are but because they are such and such. That is to say, the history of love, the heart of love, is divided between the who and what. The question of being, to return to philosophy, because the first question of philosophy is: What is it to be? What is “being”? The question of being is itself always already divided between who and what. Is “Being” someone or something? I speak of it abstractly, but I think that whoever starts to love, is in love or stops loving, is caught between this division of the who and the what. One wants to be true to someone—singularly, irreplaceably—and one perceives that this someone isn’t x or y. They didn’t have the properties, the images, that I thought I’d loved. So fidelity is threatened by the difference between the who and the what.”
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I remember when I wrote my first poem and how I felt an immediate connection to it. I thoroughly enjoyed the entire process which consisted of being inspired by something and then translating how that feeling felt within me. A lot of my poetry is derived from my empathy which allows me to feel very deeply what another is going through. I can sit in a mall and watch people sitting alone or couples interacting to watching TV and feeling the emotions on screen. When I do this I create a narrative in my mind based upon their facial expressions, movements of their body, etc. As I create this narrative I wait to feel the words that stick out the most for example: 'mesmerizing, piercing, universe', so on and so forth. A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness. " Often times the hardest part is turning these key words into an intricate and creative work of art. The good news is that I am not a typical poet... I utilize key words and develop a pattern around these words with broken structures that help to guide the reader in a grammatical maze designed to slow the mind down to deliver a powerful message. I want people to really read what I am writing. As the quote about from Robert Frost (above) describes poetry as starting as a 'lump in the throat' this is important because poetry is meant to make the reader feel something, anything! That is the poet's job, but it is not the only job of the poet. The second job is to allow the reader to translate these feelings into a recognizable emotion that they can grow with and stop running away / suppressing. Many people have difficulties expressing how they feel, because emotions have been very taboo for a long time, especially for men. The poet in this instance becomes a guide. This is an important responsibility of the poet and requires the poet to take every poem seriously. I firmly believe that poetry heals. The world is my world: this is manifest in the fact that the limits of language (of that language which alone I understand) mean the limits of my world."
Imagine trying to describe the aurora borealis to someone who has no concept of such a thing. You maybe able to describe the content, but they cannot fully feel the experience. Now here is the kicker you may not even be able to properly describe your feeling of your experience! Try to explain it to yourself very quickly. It can be quite difficult to do so. This is because emotions exist in the abstract and words are concrete, which makes them difficult to connect with at times. This is why the poet is so vital to helping people move toward a direction of emotional awareness. The poet is giving the reader new words, grammatical sets, and lingustic creations that open new neuro-pathways and can lead the reader to a world of self-awareness. Emotional awareness to me is a pathway to beauty both inner and outer. I find that Albert Camus, one of my favorite philosophers, was able to discuss tragedy and assist the reader with guiding them toward beauty without explicitly stating it. He allowed the reader to grow, reflect, and come to important insights that aided in developing a more full person. Camus believed that beauty was under siege by nearly every institution, especially during World War II as he saw the Rise of Nazi Germany leading to the destruction of art, the rise of war propaganda, and the destruction for the sanctity of life. Which is why he wrote the following: We have exiled beauty; the Greeks took up arms for her." - Albert Camus
resonates with what he discusses. He inspired me to see the beauty in tragedy and to continue his message to the world. Sometimes we need to be reminded that just because suffering hurts does not mean that it is inherently bad. In contrast it could be something that sets you on the path to becoming so totally free that your existence is the purest form of being. In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. |
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